Still Turning
by sftbalchick
Summary: Posted this before made some changes please read let me know what you think...but be nice please lol


**A/N: I do not own anything Mr. Wolf does. I posted this before I am revising and reposting plus I'm putting my take on Elliot's final episode. Oh and in my fic Elliot and Kathy were divorced for season 12. Read and review please and be nice thanks. **

Olivia felt like she couldn't breathe she was suffocating she needed to get out of the precinct. As she ran through the doors she could hear the faint sound of Fin calling her name. She kept running till she reached the parking garage. She quickly got in her car and sat with her head against the wheel. Finally she started the car and drove. To where she didn't know she just had to keep going. Finally she stopped after an hour of driving in the city. Of course she ended up at his building, she got out of her car and walked to the front stoop and leaned against the cement wall staring at those steps. The same steps she asked him to meet her at when she felt like she was going to lose him forever.

"_So are we ok?"_

"_I just need…space to disagree with you __so that I don't feel like it's going to cost me our partnership."_

"_You've never been gun shy before."_

"_Yeah well, you know, things change."_

" _Well, like you said, you're the longest relationship that I've ever had with a man. Who else would put up with me? You hungry?"_

"_I could go for a bite. Who's buying?"_

"_Well you are going through a divorce and you do have four children so I guess…you are."_

"_That's what I thought."_

She could still see that smirk on his face still feel her leg hitting against his. They're small conversation that night on those steps really started to fix their friendship when things between them were so complicated. She looked through her keys to find the one that would open his doors. She rode the elevator in silence the air felt so suffocating in that small box. She walked down the hall the second door on the left that was his.

She remained in front of the door for what seemed like hours, which was only in fact about 10 minutes. A neighbor of his walked past her and looked at her like she was crazy. Maybe she was; she sure felt like it lately. She gently slid the key into the lock and listened for the click of the lock allowing her entrance into his apartment. She slowly walked in put her keys, gun and badge on the counter by the door. She thought of how Elliot did that when he entered his home.

She looked around and seen his laundry basket was by the door. His paper was still open to the sports section next to his morning coffee. She found his favorite Yankee shirt at the top of his laundry. She lifted the shirt to her nose and inhaled the scent that was so purely Elliot. She slipped it over her head and held the collar to her nose once again with her eyes closed she picture his face again.

"_I don't get it!" _

"_Get what El?"_

"_I don't get how you can live in New York City your entire life and not be a Yankee fan!" his brow furrowed as he waited for her response._

"_I've just been more of a Mets kinda girl. Plus the Yankees are totally overrated." She leaned her head back against the seat of the sedan with a smirk on her face knowing the can of worms she just opened._

They learned a lot about each other that night on their first stakeout. She knew after that night they would be great partners. She knew that night she found the best friend she would ever have. She continued walking through his apartment wearing his shirt. She traced every framed picture of him and the kids. She was half way through the ones on the mantle when she seen it. A picture of them at the squad's summer picnic their both laughing and looking right at each other. Olivia smiles tracing his face when it dawns on her she doesn't remember what was making them laugh. She racked her brain for the memory and came up short. She started having a panic attack how could she forget that moment they are both so happy. She should remember something about that moment shouldn't she?

She held the picture to her chest and sat on the couch trying to calm her breathing and keeping her tears at bay. She feared if she starts crying she won't be able to stop. Olivia doesn't know how long she's been sitting there but the sound of the door opening brings her back to reality.

"Oh. Hi Olivia."

"Hey Maureen" she whispers softly.

"Umm I just came by to pick up some of daddy's stuff. I didn't know you would be here. I'll just come back later."

"No its ok I'll leave Mo."

"No it's fine really I'll come back later. Hey is that the picture from last year's picnic?" Maureen asked noticing the frame in Olivia's lap.

"Yeah I was trying to remember what made us laugh so hard." She looks down at his face again noting every line on his face burning it to her memory.

"It was Cragen showed up he was wearing some awful outfit and you two just gave a look and started laughing. You guys always had a way of saying things without words so who knows what actually made it so funny. I just remember you guys sharing a look and bursting into laughter so I snapped that picture." Maureen smiled remembering how happy her dad was that day.

"You should keep it Liv." Maureen suggested.

Olivia offered her a small smile. "Thanks Maureen."

"Well I'll be back later see you Liv."

"Bye sweetie."

She listens to the door shut behind Maureen and returns to her spot on the couch. After a while Olivia decides to continue her tour of his apartment. She opens his bedroom and just looks around taking everything in. His sheets were pulled back on his side of the bed, his comforter half on the floor half on the bed. She can feel the bile rising in her throat. She ran to the bathroom before she threw up. She rinsed her mouth and headed back to his room. She laid herself in his bed turning her face into his pillow and inhaling his scent she couldn't get enough from it knowing the smell would be gone soon. She fell asleep clutching that pillow. It wasn't long till the nightmares started to plague her mind. The sounds of gunshots and yelling and seeing his body lying on the floor covered in blood. There was that feeling again like she couldn't breathe. She had to get out again plus Maureen would be back soon to move his stuff out of the apartment.

Olivia got in her car again just like before and just like before it was all a daze to where her destination would be. Her destination then became clear to her but she didn't feel ready for it but, it was time to face the truth. She took the keys out of the ignition and just stared at the big Iron Gate. She finally got out of the car and the cold air hit her with such force. She walked through the opening of the gates and took in her surroundings. It was like her body was on auto pilot and her brain completely shut down.

She sat in the cool grass feeling the cold earth sink into her skin. She picked at the blades of grass completely focused on the ground. It was then she let the tears fall. The tears she held back for days finally came pouring down.

"Why did you have to leave me El? What am I supposed to do without you? God I wish I wouldn't have been such a coward. I love you I've wanted to tell you that for years now El and, now…it's too late."

Her chest was constricting she felt like she couldn't breathe the tears were burning her eyes now. She couldn't stop them from falling now the flood gates were open. She felt so dumb yelling at his tombstone but why did he have to leave her? Why did he always have to be the damn hero and try to stop Jenna? She was so angry at him she wanted to yell and scream at him and have him fight her back like he always did. Olivia slowly started feeling air fill her lungs again it was getting just slightly easier to breathe. Then she felt warmth engulf her, the sun came out she finally released what had been building and she felt like she started the process of healing. With one last look at his tombstone she told him she missed him and she loved him. She softly kissed her fingers and touched the cool stone running along his name. She walked back to her car and finally felt that the weight was no longer crushing her and the world was still turning even in his absence.


End file.
